Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend. …

“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I.” …
“ We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda. ….
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?” …
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
….
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?” “Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios…..”

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My new blow up doll I got for christmas has put on weight already after all the christmas festivities.
Maybe I should empty her!

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Bill was embarking on a long trip and decides his wife should wear a locked steel underwear so that she wouldn’t cheat on him.
He locks the underwear and gives the key to his best friend Edward saying, “Bro, if I don’t come back in 4 years, set her free”.
Bill was only 30 minutes into his journey when he sees a cloud of dust behind him.
It was Edward running after him.
“What’s wrong?” Bill asked.
Edward, still panting says, “You gave me the wrong key!

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Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!

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Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

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Small boy to friend: ‘What would you do if a girl kissed you?’
Friend: ‘I’d kiss her back. What would you do?’
Small boy: ‘I’d kiss her front.’

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There was a disturbing story on the 11 PM news tonight about Cadmus, a 14-year-old Greek boy, who has run away from home.
Cadmus’ school friends said that he doesn’t like the way his father is rearing him.

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A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college.
The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse.
He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl.
She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.
After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in.
The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window.
The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress.
As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window.
Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing.
The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.
The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuckin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can git."

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Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

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Girls hate it when you give them gifts implying that you will somehow benefit from them as well.
Take knee pads for example.

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In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.
The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.

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