Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad.
The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."
The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

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What is a man's idea of helping with housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

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What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Answer: “Lazy.”

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Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

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Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

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Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle.
Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.
The border patrol guard stops him and says,"Hey mister what ya got in those bags?"
"Just sand," replied Jose.

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Why don't little girls fart?
Because they don't have assholes until they're married.

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A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

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Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?

A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.

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The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

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