A guy driving a small car pulled up to a stop light next to a luxury car. He rolled down his window and shouted to the other driver, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a Hi-Fi sound system in your car? I've got a Hi-Fi sound system in my car!"

The driver of the luxury car looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a Hi-Fi sound system."

The driver of the small car said, "That's great man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my car!"

The driver of the luxury car, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. My car is is one of the finest cars in the world!"

The driver of the small car said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my car!"

The driver of the luxury car, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his car.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his vehicle, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a luxury car.

So the driver began searching for the small car. He drove around all day and finally found it late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.

He got out and knocked on the window of the small car. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

"I now have a bed in the back of my car," the driver of the luxury car stated arrogantly.

The driver of the small car looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"

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What do you call a ginger person who works at a bakery?

A ginger bread-man.


Just got a $20 voucher for my birthday. Why not just give me a $20 note so I can spend it anywhere without restrictions?


What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese!!


Just had the following conversation with my boss.
Me: “Sorry I’m not coming in today. Got chickenpox.”

Boss: “Don’t give me that!”

Me: “I won’t. I’m not coming in.”


Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?

Because every play has a cast!


I always wondered why The Muppets had such large protruding eyes. I then realized that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.


A very ugly man walking down the street comes across a most beautiful expensively dressed woman. She asks him please come with me; I have a job for you. Being the first time that any woman talked to him he was flabbergasted. He blindly follows her and ends up in a goldsmith's shop. Pointing to the ugly guy the woman tells the goldsmith "looks like this one" and she leaves the shop without a word to the ugly man. Confused, the ugly man tells the goldsmith the story and asks him if he has the slightest idea on why he was brought to him. The goldsmith says, well, it may be disturbing to know that she wanted a ring made for her with a devils face on it. I told her I had never seen a devil before


A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"


A guy walks into the bar and the white bartender says, we don't serve colored people .

The man replies, I don't understand why you white people call us colored because :

When I born, I black.

When I grow up, I black.

When I go in sun, I black.

When I cold, I black.

When I scared, I black.

When I sick, I black.

And when I die, I still black.

You white folks:

When you born, you pink.

When you grow up, you white.

When you go in sun, you red.

When you cold, you blue.

When you scared, you yellow.

When you sick, you green.

When you bruised, you purple.

And when you die, you gray.


* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

If women can have PMS, then why can't men have ESPN?

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw a great party.


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"