The science graduate asks, "Why does it work?"

The engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?"

The accounting graduate asks, "How much does it cost?"

The liberal arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?" 

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They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage is love; after marriage is self-defense.

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the light bulb has got to want to change.

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A man was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

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Every Girl Wants A Guy

Who Hugs Her When They're Watching A Scary Or Romantic Movie,

Who Gives Her His Jacket Even When He Himself Is Feeling Cold,

Who Will Always Be The One To Make Her Laugh,

Most Importantly He Will Love Her For Who She Is !



That Guy Is What Google Calls "No Result Found!" :D

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We live in a society today where pizza delivery comes to your house before the police

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A man being tried for murder happens to know one of the jurors. Before jury deliberation, the man finds a way to contact his friend and emphatically demands that he vote for life in prison with the possibility of parole. The friend agrees.

The jury deliberates for a week and returns a verdict of guilty with life imprisonment. The convicted man phones his friend and asks why it took so long for the verdict.

His friend says, "It took me a long time to convince the other jurors for life imprisonment."

"Why is that?"

"Because they wanted to acquit you!"

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Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper??
A: Don't know. It’s never been done!!!!

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Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron”.
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
“I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
“A beer please, and one for the road.”
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s Not Unusual.”
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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“I don’t want a car,” said the farmer to the persistent salesman. “I need a new cow.”
“But you can’t ride a cow along the streets.”
“True. But I can’t milk a new car, can I?”

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When life throws you lemons, make lemonade… But also remember that unless you add water and sugar your lemonade will taste like shit.

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