Larry took Barb, his girlfriend, to her first football game. Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game. “I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for twenty-five cents,” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

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An announcement at the local ice skating rink: "Will the lady that left 6 kids on the ice rink, please pick them up. THEY ARE MAKING OUR PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY TEAM LOOK BAD!"

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Wembley tannoy announcement:-
“Please could Wayne Rooney please leave the building via the Southgate”

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Did you hear about the politically correct country club?
They no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps.
Instead they're "stroke challenged"

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A fisherman began to drill a hole in the ice to fish when a voice called out, "You can't fish there."

He moved the drill a few feet and began to drill again and the voice repeated, "You can't fish there either."

After three more attempts he yelled, "Why can't I fish here?"

"You can't fish anywhere here, this is an ice rink."

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Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

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Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!

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Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.

“Did you play sports in college,” his wife then asked me.

“Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.”

“That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

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What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.

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Dad: "What happened to your eye?"
Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."

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I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
“Fine,” I said, “I want to die when Enland win the Worldcup again.”
“You crafty c*nt!” said the fairy.

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