An announcement at the local ice skating rink: "Will the lady that left 6 kids on the ice rink, please pick them up. THEY ARE MAKING OUR PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY TEAM LOOK BAD!"

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Wembley tannoy announcement:-
“Please could Wayne Rooney please leave the building via the Southgate”

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Did you hear about the politically correct country club?
They no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps.
Instead they're "stroke challenged"

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A fisherman began to drill a hole in the ice to fish when a voice called out, "You can't fish there."

He moved the drill a few feet and began to drill again and the voice repeated, "You can't fish there either."

After three more attempts he yelled, "Why can't I fish here?"

"You can't fish anywhere here, this is an ice rink."

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Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

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Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!

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Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.

“Did you play sports in college,” his wife then asked me.

“Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.”

“That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

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What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.

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Dad: "What happened to your eye?"
Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."

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I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
“Fine,” I said, “I want to die when Enland win the Worldcup again.”
“You crafty c*nt!” said the fairy.

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A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home.
When they got back to America the man said, “I would like to show you an American pastime: baseball.”
So the next day the man took her to a baseball game.
The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate and got walked.
The man said, “Are you understanding this game?”
The woman answered, “Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it.
Then he hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing.
And then the third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing.”
Then the man says, “Well that is because he has four balls.”
The woman says, “Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.”

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