As a buddy and I were walking down the street near the middle of town we decided to turn down a side street we've never traveled on before. Walking past what appeared to be a retail establishment, all we heard was swearing and cursing coming from within.
And then, following that, we saw two very well dressed gentlemen walking out while continuing their obscenities as they left the store.
"What in the world is going on here?" I asked my friend.
"I think I read about this place," he replied. "We just walked past the Men's Swearhouse!"
The economy is so bad that:If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
What’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’? The hotel guess asked the manager. “We didn’t eat any.” “But the fruit was place in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.” “I see,” said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill
“What are you doing”? Sputtered the manager.
“I’m subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife.”
“What? I didn’t kiss your wife.”
“Ah,” replied the man, “but she was there.”
If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
A man looking for a job."...And remember we are very keen about clenliness. Did you wipe your shoes before entering” asked the manager. "Oh, yes sir."
Replied the man. The manager narrowed his eyes and said, “We are also very keen about the truth. There is no mat."
A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going.
He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies: "150 dollars!"
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner: "Have you seen that UPS driver? I asked him to wait here for me!"
Only in America: We work hard on a farm so we can move into town, where we can make more money… so we can move back to the farm.
There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand.
It being hot and him being thirsty, he decided to stop.
Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents," and a single, very small glass. Well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway.
He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig.
He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, "fill 'er up."
The kid replieds, "Sure thing, that'll be 10 cents."
To this the business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a dime."
"It is," the little boy replies, "That's all you can drink for a dime."
A major speaker for the annual auto dealers convention was visiting the rest room just before he was to speak to the 10,000 members. He was asked, "Are you our special speaker?"
"Yes, I sure am and I am excited to be here," he replied.
"Are you nervous?"
"No, I'm never nervous before I give a big speech."
"If you are not nervous, then what are you doing in the ladies room?"
There was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went home and hung outside his door a psychic sign.
An hour later a woman knocks on the door. "I want to talk to my deceased husband. How much will it cost?"
The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50. If he talks to you, $100. If you both talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."