John asks: Why are you drinking so much?
Joe says: Because I donated my body to science, and I am preserving it until they are ready to use it.

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Harry Dunn lived with his mother in Ireland and was always bugging her to let him go the U.S.A. Finally she said he could go if he promised to write her every week to let her know how he was doing, He said he would , so off he went down to the docks.
Well she received letters each week telling her how he arrived in New York, how he had found an apartment, found a job, and had met Betty the girl in the office. He said he was so happy and that he and Betty were getting married. They had moved to Connecticut in a lovely little white house, and Betty was pregnant. Then the letters stopped.....
She was so worried she didn’t know what to do. She heard that one of the local lads was going over and she made her way to the pier. She found him and asked him if he knew her son Harry Dunn, he said he did not. She told him what had happened and asks him to look up Harry and tell him to write. He promised her he would at any cost.
Upon arriving in N.Y. he hailed a taxi, and told the cabby to take him to Connecticut (not realizing how big the USA was.) The cabby said that is quite a ways from here and quite costly. No problem I have to deliver a message for an old lady in Ireland. “Do you know Harry Dunn? He asked the cabby. “No I don’t think so” the cabby replied. The lad told the cabby that he lived in a little white house in Connecticut. So the cabby said when we get over the line I will pull into a station and you can ask the attendant if he knows you friend Harry Dunn.
So when they crossed over into Connecticut the cabby pulled into a little country service station. The boy jumped out as the attendant was coming to the car. The boy asked the attendant if he knew Harry Dunn and he said no. Where is the little white house? The attendant pointed and said right behind the station down that path, so the boy trotted down the path to the little white house (Privy-john)
He jerked the door open and there stood a man zipping up his pants “Are you Dunn?” asked the lad. Yes I’m done replied the man. “I have a message for you.”
‘What is the message” asked the man. “Write to your mother, she is worried sick over you.”


An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs. Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."


Ours is a good restaurant, said the manager. “If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and” -
“ I believe you,” said the customer. “I ordered a small steak”


Two zombies were discussing how they were going to go out and satisfy their appetites.

"I think we need to be a little more authoritative and menacing," Zac said. "These potential victims seem to be taking us for granted."

"I don't know about that," replied Hal. "I think a subdued, common sense approach is the better way to go. That way they're more likely to let their guard down."

"I've listened to you take the polite approach when you get the urge to munch on gray matter," countered Zac. "I don't think that gets the job done."

"How so?"

"Well, for one thing, you DON'T ask your victim, 'Can I pick your brain?'"


Farting in a crowded lift is wrong on multiple levels!


I’m well pissed off with my neighbour today. Yesterday he kept playing the same Lionel Ritchie song over and over at full blast.
I wouldn’t mind normally, but it was all night long.


An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". 
2. How many seconds are in a year? 
3. What is God's first name?

The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered... 

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. 
2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard." 

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

The Antartian replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...." 
"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
The Antartian said, "Well, from the song....Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without another word. 


3 men go on a business trip to an island, one was from Russia one was from London and the other was from New York. The has never been discovered by anyone till now so they didn't now what they were getting themselves in to. While walking in the forest they see a bush and out of the bush a cannibalistic tribe jump out, the tribe takes them to their camp and present them to the tribes leader. The leader says that they are walking on sacred grounds by their ancestors so we are going to kill you and make you in to a canoe but because we're not THAT f*cked up we're going to let you choose how you want to die. The dude from London said "I'll take the gun." So they gave him a gun with one Bullet. The dude from Russia said "I'll take the poison." So they gave him a cup of poison. The dude from New York said "I'll take a fork." Their like "a fork why in the world would you wan- OK" so they gave him a fork. The dude from London takes the gun and says "long live the queen." BANG he's dead, the dude from Russia takes the poison and says "for mother Russia." He drinks it and he dies, the dude from New York takes the fork and yells as loud as he can "UGH- CANOE OUT OF THIS MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!" And he dies.


Went to the doctors today to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine I don’t need one.


Maybe, if we just tell people that the brain is an app...

... then maybe, they will start using it?