A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

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Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

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The following was the answering machine message for an elementary school:

"Hello! You have reached your child's elementary school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2.

To complain about what we do - Press 3.

To cuss out staff members - Press 4.

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5.

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9.

To complain about school lunches - Press 0.

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up, and have a nice day!"

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At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

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Father: Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams.
Son: No father I'll score 100% marks.
Father: Why are you kidding?
Son: Who started?

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Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.”
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
“Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.

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Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Ramu: "The moon".
Teacher: "Why?"
Ramu: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the
day time when we don't need it".

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S ex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

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Q: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to drive down to Kent to pick him up.

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A kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page illustrating several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, “What flag is this?” Little Sue called out, “That’s the flag of our country.” “Very good,” the teacher said. “And what’s the name of our country?” Little Sue answered, “Tis of thee.”

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Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on
this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!'"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyways."

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