The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.
Husband: It’s a bit muggy tonight my love.

Wife: If you’ve put all our mugs in the garden again I’m gonna divorce you.

Husband: *Drinks a sip of tea from plant pot.*

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Just bought my wife a desk-lamp for Christmas.
Her face is really gonna light up when she sees it.

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I saw a naked man jogging in the snow the other day. I asked him what he was doing outdoors naked and he said it was because I was home early.

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Boy: "Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend."
Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
Boy: "I have math test tomorrow."
Girl: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Boy: "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."

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When me and my wife have arguments I always have the last word. Usually those words are ‘Sorry, you’re right’.

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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My boyfriend and I broke up.

He wanted to get married... I didn't want him to.

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What do marriage and a tornado have in common? In the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end someone loses a house.

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While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive, single man. It was a relief since my mother and I always laughed at the fact that the men I was drawn to were inevitably married.

So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living.

He replied, “I’m a priest.”

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My girlfriend told me today that she has 2 cunts and apparently I’m one of them.

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