An American tourist asks an Irishman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.”
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”…. Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
Paddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said “We sell everything”. Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, “Do you really sell everything?” The salesperson said “Yes, everything”.
Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said “OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?”. The salesperson said “A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back”. Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. “Here you go, one jumper for a chicken”
“How much?” asked Paddy.
“Three quid.” replied the salesperson.
“Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent.” said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the sales person “Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - what’s going on?”
The salesperson replied, “Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock.”
Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.” “Sod that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
Mick sits down and opens his new joke book.
As he starts flicking through the pages he shouts, “Paddy! Close those fucking blinds quick!”
“Why, what’s wrong Mick?” Paddy asks.
“Some cunt has been spying on us!”
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
That little sod, O’Connor,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
Paddy: “Would you like to buy my dog?”
Mick : “What kind is it?”
Paddy: “It’s a Dalmatian.”
Mick : “Is it clean?”
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a Huge, Hairy, Sweaty Armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ’What man here will buy a lady a drink..?’
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ’Give the ballerina a drink!’
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same Hairy Sweaty, Armpit, and asked, ’What man here will buy a lady a drink..?’
Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ’Give the ballerina another drink..!’
The bartender approached the little drunk and said ’Tell me, George, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a Ballerina..?’
The drunk replied, ’Any woman who can lift her leg that frickin’ high has got to be a Ballerina..!
T here is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past.
The man turns to the Priest and says, “Don’t try to stop me father, I’m going to jump.”
“Don’t jump.” says the Priest, “It can’t be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live.”
“That’s one of the reasons I’m jumping” Says the Irish man.
“Well if that won’t stop you, think about your family.” says the Priest.
“That’s another reason.” says the Irish man.
“Well think about your job.” says the Priest.
“There’s another reason.” says the Irish man.
“Well if that won’t stop you think about St. Patrick.” says the Priest. “Who’s that?” asks the Irish man.
“Jump you Protestant bastard.” says the Priest.
Two irish pilots flying An Air Fungus jet on final approach at Cork Airport.
First pilot said: “Bejesus! Look how short this runway is.”
Second pilot said: “Yes, but look how fuking wide it is!”