Night Out With The Guys!
Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?
’‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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Four guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.

After a while the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Iowa asks, "What the heck are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these darned things in Idaho -- I'm sick of looking at them!"

A few more miles, and the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks, "What are you doing?" The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these things in Iowa -- I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.


Q: What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop..."
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.


A little old lady was driving the wrong way down a one-way street and was stopped by a cop.

“Didn’t you see the arrows?” he asked.

“Arrows? I didn’t even see the Indians!” she exclaimed.


A man jumps from a plane and as he descends pulls his parachute only nothing happens so he pulls his reserve and still no luck so as he contemplates flapping his arms like a bird when he spies a man coming up towards him.




The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with less attractive people, they have less to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.


Q: What has teeth but no mouth?

A: A comb.


Why I'm single:

10% I'm average looking

10% i don't have rich parents who pay for all my stuff

80% because i treat girls right


Things that I wish were real:
1. Krabby Patties
2. Hogwarts
3. My Girlfriend


A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine. He puts in some change. The machine says "DIME". The man tells the machine "Yo quiero Pepsi!"


Interviewer: Give me an example of a time you overcame a difficult situation.

Me: I ran out of milk once when making cereal so I came up with the idea of using ice cream.