Depressed? Keep your chin up! Because when u have it down it makes it look like u have 2 of them and its pretty gross.

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Q: What do you call a clean idiot?
A: Soap on a dope.

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Whats the difference between Saddam Hussein and a bucket of crap?
The bucket.

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Lazy is such an ugly word, I prefer the term selective participation.

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Drunk man: “I can’t bear fools.”
Parker: “Apparently your mother could.”

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How to be Insulting in the Street: Wave frantically across the street to people who are trying to ignore you and try to attract as much attention to them as you can.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thought asphalt was a rectal disorder.

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Me: Why did the Pizza Delivery guy cross the rode?
Friend: To get to the other side?
Me: No to delivery pizza to the hideous girl on the other side!
Friend: ...
Me: Knock Knock!
Friend: Who's there!?
Me: The Pizza Delivery guy!

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Yo mama's so fat, she uses a semi-trailer as a couch.

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He comes from a long line of real estate people...they're a vacant lot.

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Teacher: tells student to sit down now while he walking
Student: If I sit down now i will be sitting on the damn floor

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