What did one ear say to the other?
Nothing, ears don't talk they listen!
There is this man who spent the entire day watching the fishing channel. Once he is done, he goes to the kitchen where his wife is and says "Listen honey, I have just declared it. We are going on a fishing trip, you, me and the dog." The wife then replies "No way, I don't wanna go fishing." The man then replies "Well then I'm going to give you 3 options. 1. You can give me a blowjob 2. I can f*ck you up the ass or 3. You can just suck it up and go fishing w/me and the dog. Now I'm going to the garage and get everything I need ready. I'll be back in an hour and you better have your answer.
So he goes to the garage, prepares everything and comes back in an hour as promised. "Well, so what do you want to do?" the man asks. "I'll give you a blow job." the wife replies. So she starts sucking his dick and after 10 seconds, she starts complaining "Oh my God, this is disgusting, your dick tastes like absolute shit." The man then replies "Yeah, the dog didn't wanna go either."
"Eat your vegetables son it puts hairs on your chest, look see, I'm as hairy as a gorilla" "Stop it mom that's gross."
A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.
The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him.
Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" my friend asked nervously.
"Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."
A guy in a bar pukes on his shirt. His mate says, “No worries, just stick a $10 bill in your pocket, and tell your wife some guy puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning bill!” So, he explains this to his wife who then asks, “So why are there two $10 bills in your pocket?” He replies, “Oh, because the guy pissed in my pants as well!”
I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.
Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.
He immediately woke up and said, “Thank you.”
“No problem.” I smiled.
He looked at me again and said, “It’s empty.”
I said, “I know, it’s meant to be a chimney.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were hunting buffalo one day to no avail. Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his ear to ground and says, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger asks, "How do you know that?" Tonto replies, "Ear sticky."
"Hey Mom, my DNA sample results are back from the genealogy place. According to the report I have 44 points of Neanderthal DNA. Does that mean I’m related to a cave man?"
"Yes, dear, it’s from your father’s side of the family."