When a doctor remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “high blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my family.”
“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” the doctor asked. “Neither,” the patient replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.” “Oh, come now,” said the doctor “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?” He sighed. “You oughta meet’em sometime, Doc!”

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"Hey Nasa, your mom thought I was big enough."
-Pluto

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teacher is telling the class to say a sentence with the word definetly in it, mary says the sky is definitly blue, teacher says good but it can also be gray, jojo says grass is definetly green, good but it can be brown... little johny says is there lumps in a fart, teacher said no why would you ask that, johny says i definetly shit my pants xD

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A Lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really?” he says. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

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"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery."
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve."
"Don't bother wearing a jacket -- the wind-chill is bound to improve."
"Sure you can go joyriding with Evan. He's only had one major accident."
"Don't bother cleaning your room, I bought a second set of dishes."

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Q: If you're stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you most want to have?

A: Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a gold medal on a stick.

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I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday but then Friday is so close to monday ._.

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Surfer 1: I love surfing!

Surfer 2: I thought you’re afraid of surfing!

Surfer 1: The Internet, that is!

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A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Alright then” and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says “Alright then” and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?”
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, “Secret Service!

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Waking into the lingerie store, the hard-of-hearing customer says to the clerk, “I’d like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife.
The clerk says, “Sheer?”
And the man replies “No. She is in another store.”

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The following conversation took place at a funeral parlor minutes before the funeral was about to start.
Widow: You’ve put him in a blue suit, I wanted brown!

Funeral Director: No problem madam. Ed!! Ed!! Quickly bring the hacksaw, we need to swap the heads around on these bodies.

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